My Higher Power is John Stamos
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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