i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
