And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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