We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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