I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
