I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I FOUND THE LEGS
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
