he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
