I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
