um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We smell like vodka and hangover
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize