Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
