3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize