I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
