I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
