Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
