i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
