I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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