I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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