So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
