hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
