If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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