Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My brain says no but my pants say off.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
