Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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