Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
This house was built for laser tag.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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