Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize