The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
