what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
