Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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