I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
