Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
