I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
