I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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