I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
