By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
