Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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