Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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