take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
