I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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