I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
