is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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