it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
