Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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