her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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