New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
