My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
