Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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