I wannas sexs uuuuu
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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