I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We had sex on a dog bed..
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
