New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
