God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
