how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
