I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
