OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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