He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
