At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
