I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
