My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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