i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
