I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How external is "for external use only"?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
