no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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